"Let's do it to it." KEVIN BRUNEAU
On the recent show in Liberty, North Carolina, Miller Gaffney was at her most un-Millerish. In fact she said outright, "I'm going to throw up." She drifted away, dazed, hand poised daintily over her mouth. Five minutes later she came positively bouncing back on to the show, jaunty as you like. Soon enough she was saying to somebody at a stall, "Is that a funnel cake? Yum." I turned to my wife and said, "That must have been a really good puke."
It's a regrettable shame that the success of the show isn't equal to the success of that puke, because word is out that the show is to be cancelled. Let me here register my hearty, lousy fucking regret. I love this show. We lost Dog the Bounty Hunter and now this, while the Housewives franchise blossoms and that scoundrel Cohen rakes it all into that grinning hell-maw of his? Truly there ain't no justice. I don't know how much more I can take quite honestly.
People online are cruel and vindictive and routinely impotent and inert and dishonest and they have poor hygiene and bad acne also. They say especially unpleasant things about the cast of this show. If I ever made mock of the "mad professor" John Bruno, please note that it was only with great tenderness and fondness.
Despite her seeming recovery, Miller blundered around for the rest of the show on John Bruno's scooter. On another episode, this same scooter that I have mentioned in a separate "post" came a cropper in the mud & this fuck-up made John late to get to the table.
Contestants have a set time to scout about the fairs and markets looking for superior items per the week's instructions. They are timed each week by an antique clock (-- easily the least-interesting convention of the show, by the way -- the Antiques Roadshow bit when they go into tedious detail about the clock -- ) and if they turn up back at the long table outside the time limit they are fined $50 by each successful contestant.
The other contestants are never more bloodthirsty than when they are scrabbling meanly for their meagre $50 bonus from a latecomer. John Bruno was late because his scooter was bogged in the mud, which is to say on account of his personal infirmity, but the others still leapt on him for $50 each. It was like a scene from a Jack London novel for sheer natural barbarism.
The wolves leaping on the ancient native in the snow.
The cannibalism of the Donner Party.
The leader in such bloodthirstiness is Bene.
She smiles an awful lot but she is a skinflint and a cut-throat and she has blood on her hands.
I nearly accused her of actual murder but I stopped myself short.
Mark Walberg has really been throwing around the idea that he is the "host" of this show lately. How is he exactly a "host"? More like a "ghost"!!! He is a disembodied voice that never interacts directly with the cast but makes cruel and snide comments about them from as it seems the heavens. He is like Miles Coverdale in The Blithedale Romance, hiding up in a tree. Nobody is savaged by his caustic wit more than John Bruno, the wretched insane Professor, who comes in for a merciless drubbing from the Voice of the Walberg every week. Usually, it must be conceded, wholly deserved.
As I said, there's lots of bitching online about this show where formerly there was no word about it at all. (In fact, I must credit the nominal "success" of my weblog to my first article on this show, "Righteous Chagrin of the Market Warriors," which received far more "hits" than anything else I ever wrote, especially those feuilletons that in their scope pertained to real life or what we might call the more literary or intellectual end of the cultural speculum.) [Sic.]
The level of this dastardly skirmishing isn't high. But now when was the repartee online ever thrusting, indeed? This is not exactly the righteous wrath of a Mencken. One sour character remarks several times that Miller isn't a natural blonde. Another kvetches that they never make any money at auction. Disregarding the fact that Kevin does handsomely most weeks, and Bruno patently don't give a fuck about the spiritual-materialist side of things, I don't think that's really their fault. The hayseeds that show up to these auctions are unwilling to go above $100 for anything. Their attitude is buy low, sell high, and they control the market it seems. If you had the actual Sistine Chapel ceiling up for auction in Old Viriginny, they'd bid maybe $20 if they felt flush.
There was all this sort of toxic fantard rumbling about Storage Wars, which I have to concede I eventually came to feel was a fix. Mostly Barry's "finds." I liked Barry but he was just a committed piss-taker and a joker and a charlatan and a disgrace to the profession. (What profession exactly, I do not know.) That was really a gang of crooks, wasn't it? Dave fucking Hester. I know I have nearly accused Bene of actual murder, but I think that the crowd on Storage Wars really have killed people before. It's just a sort of suspicion I have. I can't prove it of course.
Anyway, what the hell, all things must pass & ubi sunt. Cheers to the passing spring. I hope Miller and John and Kevin get some other show because I like them. You know what I think about Bene.
It's a regrettable disgusting shame but on the other hand I watch too much TV as it is.
Now if they'd just cancel every comic that is being written today, now and forever after, if they would just abolish superhero comics completely, in fact, I could get some proper work done around here.
